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spotted: [insert stereotype] at the gym

the treadmill stomper
THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. wtf, is godzilla at the gym? likely, but no. it’s the treadmill stomper. he or she is actually pretty amazing because the stomping reaches decibels people can’t even make with a megaphone. the stompers are usually running a little too fast and breathing a little too heavy, which is why it also looks like they’re about to fall off the treadmill. i worry about the future condition of their knees, but a more pressing issue is the future condition of their life. if they fall of the treadmill, they could die.

the sorority girl
she’s super tan, even during the darkest days of winter. sometimes she’s orange - if it’s a spray tan gone so very wrong. you’ll usually catch her on the elliptical swinging her arms in perfect rhythm and wearing a tank that shouts her sorority’s greek letters in bright neon colors. so bold! also, her make-up looks like it’s been professionally done, which makes sense because the gym is synonymous with beauty pageant.  

the tool
he’s that guy. the guy who loves his body more than himself. he’s at the gym every day, and his diet consists of protein shakes, protein bars, and more protein things. he can do a million more push-ups than you, and he’ll never let you forget it. did you know that he can single handedly lift a thousand pounds? that’s half a ton, by the way. he also enjoys looking into the mirror while he lifts some free weights because watching the movement of his enormous muscles brings him such bliss.  

the old asian man
the “old asian man” is available during late night gym times only. i think they avoid mass crowds because of the following reasons: a) they don’t wear athletic clothing. they work out on the track or bike wearing khakis and a polo shirt or some variation of the two (i.e., cargos and a button up shirt). b) they have weird exercise routines - i can’t even describe what i see sometimes. and c) during these weird exercise routines, they converse with each other in their native tongue, which is fine, except at an ungodly volume, which is not fine.  

the skinny psycho workout girl
her legs are the size of a normal person’s arms. if that isn’t sickening enough, you sneak a glance at her treadmill: 10 miles in 2 minutes. what? is that even physically possible? who is this girl, and why is she working out so hard? she jumps off the treadmill and heads towards the mats where she starts doing some pilates moves that make it look like she’s playing twister: the graceful edition. then she works on her legs. then her arms. then her forearms. then her thighs. then her ankles. then her… etc.   

the socialite aka the workout diva
usually a girl who’s dressed in super tight but moderately cute yoga gear. she, like the sorority girl, has also perfected her make-up. she has hair that is perfectly coiffed - but like, how does it stay like that? maybe she uses a liter of hairspray! she loiters around the gym for a while, runs a lap or two before she feels like she’s done a really solid workout, which she totally has. then she saunters around the gym making small talk with all the people she knows at the gym, which seems to be everyone except your mom.  

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